Writing Style

Just for info...the following request has been sent to the Army History Unit. I'll let you know that response. Bruce
Dear Gentlemen,

Some years ago I sought AHU's comments on a draft chapter of my book. The following feedback was received:

Our main comment is that you seem to have adopted a fiction style of writing. AHU publishes serious history, so the writing style we are looking for is not very different from that you would have used in a staff paper, except that you shouldn't number paragraphs ... basically, on style, put yourself back into SO1 mode and re-read your draft as though it was something one of your SO2s had written that was to go to CGSAC. .... First para. Cut out "...at the drop of a hat, no fire orders were needed on this occasion". It is melodramatic, and lowers your credibility as a serious historian

I recently sought feedback from the Director of the AWM on the draft of Chapter 2. I quoted as below from the Commander's Diary to describe the departure of the squadron from Seymour Railway Station:

'1530hrs: 1st Armoured Regiment held a farewell parade for the main party of C Squadron and Workshops rear party. C Squadron marched off to the strains of the RAAC Band playing Waltzing Matilda. A large crowd was present to watch the unit leave.

1924hrs: A train carrying the above party left Seymour Station. The RAAC Band was there and again many tearful relatives. Notable visitors were Lt Col I J Wilton, CO 1st Armoured Regiment, Brigadier K Colwill, Chief of Staff, Southern Command, and Brigadier D O Jackson, Area Commander, Puckapunyal. All expressed their confidence in the usefulness of the Centurion in SVN'.

Reading this, General Gower has commented:

You describe flatly the departure from Seymour RS of the Squadron. Why don’t you insert some pathos such as: “With the diesel’s mournful blast, the train jolted and started to move slowly out of the station. Troopers, NCOs and officers alike hung out of windows of the carriages for a last glimpse of loved ones on the already receding platform. Parents, wives and girlfriends stifled sobs as the Southern Command band played (regimental march, something bright, or what? For example, when A Fd Bty left for Sudan, the band played “The girl I left behind”). Brigadier (whoever), resplendent in Sam Browne and his World War 2 medals, saluted the men incessantly as the special troop train headed away on the 12hour trip to Sydney. Some on the train would never return. Mrs Kylie_____ had a foreboding as she drove back to the emptiness of her Puckapunyal married quarter. Her husband was to be dead within ___ months.”

Can you please confirm, in terms of military history that AHU would wish to publish, that pathos such as that above is acceptable, while melodrama is not.

Jesus Bruce, what is he on?

Hi Bruce

A cynic may think that the good General is having a 'lend' of you. Is he serious? How does putting your own emotive spin on the documented proceedings enhance your credibilty as a serious historian? I think that Barbara Cartland would be proud of that one.

Cheers

Barry D

I thought he was pulling my leg (it's in danger of coming off), but he went on to say: "Take it or leave it, the suggestion is made in good faith in the interests of creating a more engaging book". Although the Official Historian works for the Director of the AWM, the Director has disassociated himself from the content of the Official History, saying the Official Historian works totally independently. (The last volume of the Official History, covering Jun 68 to the end, is due out this year.) It'll be interesting to see what response I get from the Army History Unit. Bottom line is that it's what the members of 1AR and the RAAC want, that's important.

Cheers, Bruce

From an interested 'observer':

Pathos (Aust OED) is defined as "a quality in speech, writing, events, etc., that excites pity or sadness" from the Greek pathos - suffering.

Is that really a suitable tone for the book? Especially this book. I hope not.

Bruce

So Bruce, Just "WHO" have you decided to invite to write the preface??
That's two strikes against you already mate.
Regards.

So Bruce, Just "WHO" have you decided to invite to write the preface??
That's two strikes against you already mate.
Regards.

Hi Rip,

The AHU advice was sought some time ago and I think they are now supportive of the style. The AWM Director seems to prefer it the way I had it originally. The chapter being commented on by the AWM was Chapter 2, 'The Tank Decision'. By necessity, there are a number of different themes involved...compared to the operational chapters, which 'flow' more readily. You can get an idea in the Synopsis on the COF page. Also there are some other reviews on Chapter 2 there, one of which was: "I find it at first reading, to read in parts like an adventure story and in others like a history book (at least to me)...which enhances its readability". This comes from a member of my target audience.

My main point in posting the comments was to show how advice from the experts can conflict completely. Reminds me of the fable about the man, the boy and the donkey. The point being that if you try to please everybody, you end up pleasing nobody. For me it's the AFV crews and everyone from other Corps who supported them, that are important. (But...I have to be conscious of other views.)

Cheers, Bruce

Bruce...as a former full time journalist for news, colour stories, columnist, sub-editor, and script writer for the logie winning programme, The Walkabout Documentaries, the only set rule is the that you must write in the past tense, or third person.

Nearly every major newspaper has a "style book". The ones I have read or worked under are exceptionally specific. They could even be considered 'petty' by some in those times, but the sub-editors and 'readers' ruled with an iron fist.

Best of luck. I like your style....it will work.

Thanks John, I appreciate your advice.

While on this thread, a number of people have asked me about the fable I referred to above. I've related it below (with thanks to John Sinclair).

Aesop Fable: "The Man, The Boy and the Donkey".

A Man and his son were once going with their Donkey to market. As they were walking along by its side a countryman passed them and said: "You fools, what is a Donkey for but to ride upon?" So the Man put the Boy on the Donkey and they went on their way. But soon they passed a group of men, one of whom said: "See that lazy youngster, he lets his father walk while he rides."

So the Man ordered his Boy to get off, and got on himself. But they hadn't gone far when they passed two women, one of whom said to the other: "Shame on that lazy lout to let his poor little son trudge along."

Well, the Man didn't know what to do, but at last he took his Boy up before him on the Donkey. By this time they had come to the town, and the passers-by began to jeer and point at them. The Man stopped and asked what they were scoffing at. The men said: "Aren't you ashamed of yourself for overloading that poor donkey of yours and your hulking son?"

The Man and Boy got off and tried to think what to do. They thought and they thought, till at last they cut down a pole, tied the donkey's feet to it, and raised the pole and the donkey to their shoulders. They went along amid the laughter of all who met them till they came to Market Bridge, when the Donkey, getting one of his feet loose, kicked out and caused the Boy to drop his end of the pole. In the struggle the Donkey fell over the bridge, and his fore-feet being tied together he was drowned.

"That will teach you," said an old man who had followed them: Please all, and you will please none.

Cheers, Bruce